Transitioning into Parenthood
Becoming a parent changes you in ways you never would have imagined.
For most of us, preparing to have a child consists of the checklist of all the must-have baby gear, setting up the nursery, creating a birthing plan, and putting together our hospital bag.
It’s great to be prepared and informed and no matter how many checklists we complete, how many books we read and birth classes we go to, nothing can fully prepare what it’s like to become a parent for the first time.
Who you are has now changed. You have this whole new “title” to your name. Mother (or Father).
Here are some tips to help yourself as you enter this new amazing and equally terrifying stage- Parenthood!
Transitions are hard.
We often think that when the change is one that we wanted and that we’re excited for, that it’ll be “easy.” No matter how positive the change is, it is still a change and changes are hard. When anything changes in our lives (whether it’s moving, changing a job, ending a relationship, having a baby), there are endings in our “old” life. Even when we may be happy about those endings (leaving a toxic relationship or a stressful job) we still experience stress as we are leaving behind something we know and are used to, to something that is unknown. Our brain has a hard time with the unknown which can create more stress.
Understanding that this is a HUGE transition in your life and it will take some time to “recalibrate” can help make the transition a little easier. It’s important to not put too much expectations on yourself or your partner during this time. It is uncharted territory and you all (baby included!) are going to be learning on the job. There are going to be hiccups. You won’t have all the answers and that is okay.
Your relationship with your partner will likely take a dip.
I say this not to scare you, but to help you know that it is “normal.” John Gottman, a leading relationship expert and researcher, has found that about 67% of relationships report a decrease in satisfaction after having a baby. You may say, “not my relationship” and it very well may not be. Just know that if it does, it’s okay, it’s common and you can get it back on track!
Ways to help prepare for this is to talk about it with your partner ahead of time. It can also be helpful for both to understand that mom is going to be pretty emotional in the first couple of weeks. The hormone changes are quite crazy and add that to the sleep deprivation, physical discomfort from birth and not to mention a new baby to take care of, it can definitely feel overwhelming. Having a plan in place for how one’s partner can support and help out can be very helpful. Also, for the partner to try not to take anything personal.
The most important thing is to just keep talking about it. Share your concerns, your worries and needs. Try to each meet the other where they are at and come from a place of love.
The idea that baby will not change your life- forget about that!
We’ve all had phrases that we’ve said before of what we will and won’t do when we are a parent. Here are some common ones:
“We will not be co-sleeping.”
“I will not have baby stuff all over my house.”
“I will never give my child my phone to play with.”
“We’ll have regular date nights.”
“Our lives are not going to revolve around baby, baby will adjust to our lives.”
If you have followed through with every idea/vision you had on how you’ll be as a parent then that’s great and if you don’t that’s okay. Sometimes it’s just about surviving (especially those newborn days). You do what you can to get through.
You will likely miss your “old” life.
That’s okay. It doesn’t make you less of a mother or father. Having a baby is hard. The first several years after having a baby is hard. You’re “in the thick of it.” You have this little being that is dependent on you for everything. It’s exhausting and never-ending. It’s okay to miss the “old” you. It’s okay to miss staying up late on a Friday night and then being able to sleep in on Saturday. To miss going out for a long boozy Sunday brunch. To miss being able to run as many errands as you’d like with many stops and not worrying about getting a child in and out of a carseat or getting home in time for a nap. To miss going out to eat with ease and no crying.
Just know that this is a phase and in the grand scheme of being a parent it will be a “short” phase. There is a phrase- “the days are long and the years are short.” There will be at time when you look back and wonder where all the time went. You will eventually emerge from the fog, sleep will get better and your child will slowly become more independent. Be gentle on yourself during this time. It’s hard and you are doing what you can to get through it. They are only this little once and it’s okay to take it slow and just let each day be as it is.
You will grow into someone amazing.
Parenthood is one of life’s biggest challenges and it is is through our biggest challenges that we are able to grow the most. You will be pushed in ways you would have never thought you could get through it. You will grow alongside of your child and discover new amazing parts of yourself. You are meant to be that child’s parent and they will look up to you as the most amazing person in the world. And you are.
It’s Okay to Get More Support.
If you are struggling with this transition, just know that you are not alone. It’s also okay to get extra support. Therapy can be a great place to explore your feelings and develop a plan that works for you.
Online therapy can be a great resource- no need to travel anywhere with a baby or find childcare. Therapy sessions are conducted online. If you are in California and are interested in my online services, please feel free to contact me.
Disclaimer: This is in not a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you are in California and looking for a professional therapist feel free to use the contact me to request an appointment or search Psychology Today for local therapists in your area.
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